Warning: reader discretion is advised… seriously.
Today… I became an athlete… while enduring perhaps one of the single most embarrassing moments of my life.
Fridays are my second leg day of the week, I recently rewrote it to reduce recovery time and allow more cardio on Fridays. Last Friday after the leg weight routine I proceeded to the jumps as normal, but since the weights got cut in half I ended up with a side ache even before the run… So today after the weights portion I did my Stepmill program first then came back to the jumps.
First jump, no problems, second jump (a fairly new jump for me) I was almost finished with the first set when I felt a weird strange sensation in my lower abs, it didn’t hurt so I kept going. ‘OOPS’, it became very clear the second I finished that the strange sensation was AIR building up in my vagina because as soon as I stopped I let out the loudest quef fart ever heard to mankind (pardon my spelling –it’s not in the dictionary). It was so loud that I could have sworn I felt the floor vibrate and I heard it through my blaring earphones. Everyone –and by everyone -I mean all the men in the entire area stopped what they were doing and starred at me in disbelief.
I did the only thing I could think of and acted like it never happened. I took my 30 seconds rest and proceeded onto my second set only this time it happened again right away (only not as loud –but loud enough that they all looked again), a few more reps and it happened again. ‘OMG!’
It was at this precise moment that I became an athlete. The thought of not finishing my sets and jumps bothered me much more than queffing out loud. So I finished, queffing it up the entire time. A decision I may regret on Monday morning when I have to face all those men again (I see them everyday and usually talk to them). And forever more I will be the lady with gas (I assume that’s what they all thought it was). Thankfully, the remaining jumps did not result in this problem. The only thing I can think of is that the Stepmill loosened things up down there? Next time I see Dr Oz I will be sure to ask.
I have a whole new insight to those athletes that finish races after they crap all over themselves. I am pretty sure I could and would finish, after all once it’s done there’s no turning back.
Anyway, I would like to give full credit to my daughter, because prior to childbirth I never knew I could quef at the gym and if you are wondering what I will be doing this weekend… Kegels, the only thing I can think of that might help.
The difference between people who “always” workout and those that don’t is the fit people accept that they will always be in a state of “coming back.” Life will get in the way of your fitness strives. Accept it and make today the day you come back…again.
Training
Running Clothes
Running Gadgets
Paris Half Marathon
Shelly, Bobbi, V, Delores
V and son after Berlin Marathon
Bobbi and V in Prague
Back then
Back when we were together...I miss my friends! (Christy, V, E, Aura Lee & Angie)
Army Wives
Angie, Christy, V, Aura Lee and E
Cathy and Angie
Christy & V During 2007 Army Ten--Miler
4 comments:
Thanks for the laugh! But I have to say, you can't start a post with a warning like that and expect us to really use discretion before reading. You can't tell us not to look at the train wreck.
At the gym, you should have looked around with an expression on your face like, "Who just did that?" Deflect blame--always a good tactic. And after reading this month's Runner's World and learning about Paula Radcliffe's embarrassing moment in Athens (I think that's where it was), your faux pas was nothing.
If the guys think it was gas, go with that. It's not like they've never done it. At least you weren't crop dusting like some rude people I've seen at the gym.
The only thing I'll say about this problem is that it's purely positional: air gets in there when you're in a certain position. And unfortunately, it comes back out when you change positions.
Don't be too hard on your daughter. My first one of these was in gym class in high school--long before children. (Thankfully no one was around--kids can be cruel.) You can blame her for other body problems though! I'm pretty sure this question is on the list of "things you've always wondered about and never had the nerve to ask the dr". If Dr. Oz gives you an answer, let us know what it is.
You're a better athlete than me. Modesty and vanity would stop me long before I would crap all over myself. I don't think I'd be able to pee either, even if it was pouring down rain and no one would notice. Maybe if my legs were cold too....
I am laughing my ass off! Welcome to bodies after babies. I am glad to hear that you finished your sets. By the way, I am laughing so hard because I have done it myself (incline squat machine).
I would absolutely finish my race no matter. I would have to be out cold. I have seen almost everything at races (especially in Europe where no one has a need for privacy). I never thought I could just squat whereever and pee with an audience. You get past it and rock on!
it can also be called a vart:)
Vart, I like that.
I told my mom what happened, she says if it ever happens again I should say, "Oh my gosh, what was that" and proceed to open my shorts and look down them... at least she was able to make me laugh.
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